Before you go ahead with reading this, make sure that your facial expressions are pathetic and sad. No smiles, else my curse will ensure that you have that constipated look on your face every time you get a picture clicked for your Facebook or Whatsapp profile. Socho!! Can you afford to take that risk?
Now with a serious face, try to understand my point. I have found a mission, finally!
Haan toh here are so many weird people in this world. And this has got nothing to do with the post! I wanted to mention that, yes, just like that. Do you have a problem?
Yeah, so my life’s mission is to help everyone reach the state of zero sense of humour. Just because laughter is the most useless of human emotions, and one shouldn’t really waste time in taking out those gurgling sound from the throat. Contain your laughter. And indulge in meaningful activities like getting offended, holding grudges, humiliating people. You get it, right?!
The other day this colleague said, “Yaar, mera phone hang kar raha hai.” To which I replied, “Hawww. Tujhse lamba ho gaya toh?” He called me a retard.
Most people don’t get my twisted sense of humour. So funny I used to be. But now…
Hasna hi nahi ji mujhe ab. Aap bhi nahi hasna. Hasne wale intellectual nahi lagte na! Oopar se reputation barbaad. Haven’t you noticed serious people are way cooler than us idiots?
Isliye, here are some pro tips to appear serious all the time.
- If someone tells you a joke, stare at them as if they’ve lost it. Do a “hmmm” if needed. And to prevent laughing, read all the jokes over the web, and comment “Suna hua hai, puraana hai.” Don’t let a guffaw spoil your serious image.
- Take everything they say literally. Soon you will be branded as an ass. Chances are they would start avoiding you and jokey stuff around you. Be serious. You see…Win. Over those flippant fools!
- Act depressed! Now you really need to work on your expressions. Must be like of a person confused, frustrated and fed up. Stand in front of the mirror and rehearse. Besides, keep your eyes droopy, and whenever someone comes and talks to you…just say “kya?” in a truly irritated tone. Only by making them feel that they are the burden on the earth, half of the job will be done.
- Post sad facebook statuses minimum twice a day. Also, leaving sad comments on others’ happy photos, oh-so-funny status updates should work. Anything non-serious should be strictly prohibited.
- And if by chance, that lady asks you, “Am I looking fat?” Just say, “Yes, you look fat.” With a straight face, of course. Prefer dying to telling a lie. (Bhagwan ne chaha toh I will write about painless ways of committing suicide, someday.)
Together we’ll spread the message of seriousness all around us. Amen.