After years of surviving without a purpose and being the supreme case of Forever Alone, I thought about how I could die. Here’s how.
Suicide: Since ‘m a loner, chances are of me suffering from depression. Extreme depression. Google the ways of committing suicide, and eat the rat kill. Or maybe, my boss could be the reason! If you have a boss, you would understand my plight. A person who just doesn’t like your work is a Boss. I try hard, harder, hardest and fail. Eventually, I’ll get used to failing and keep failing again and again. Given that failing is not a good thing, I’ll give up hope and plan to commit suicide. And then everyone will cri lyk nethn. *Such a gem of a person I was*
Hunger: Dosa and Pizza! Rajma Chawal and Chhole Bhatura! What would I have done without these lovely supporters? I eat them and stay alive. But then, one day, I will be in a land of no dosa, pizza, rajma chawal or chhole bhatura… I’ll shout and scream, but no one will open a dosa shop or a pizzeria. I’ll starve to death. *Such a fit person I was*
Chullu Bhar Paani Mein Doob Kar: Imperfect me, without a mission or vision. Offending people every now and then. Goofing around. Everyone will hate me gradually. Frustrated…I’ll fill paani in the chullu and drown and die. *Such a talented person I was*
Road Accident: Someday, I’ll be crossing a road, absolutely empty. No traffic at all. Just when I’ll be in the middle of the road, a speeding car will come, out of nowhere. It will lose control, ram into me. Flying across the road to the other side, I’ll die on the spot. Bollywood movie ishtyle! *Such a loving person I was*
Supernatural Death: It will be a dreadful night capable of changing a person’s life forever. Thunder rattling the windows, as the danger will be lurking outside the house. Sitting on the bed in the closed room, frightened me…the door will open. I’ll lift my face, only to find that there’s no one at the door. Yet the sound of the footsteps coming towards me could be heard. I’ll pray in my mind for it can’t be true. I’ll curse the moment when I had decided to stay back and bunk a family gathering. Heavy rain, power cut, dead phone lines…and an invisible someone walking towards me. My end would be nearer than I had thought. Just when I’ll be remembering all the good things happened to me in the past, two skeletal hands will appear out of nowhere and choke me to death. I won’t even scream. *Such a wimpy I was*
Seeing 13 Consecutive Episodes of Uttaran: I’ll eat poison, or naphthalene balls, or drink floor cleaner…but die in a respectful manner! Dying watching Uttaran is an insult of poison. *Such a self-respecting and poison respecting person I was*
Heart Break: …And this is one thing I’ll never die of. “Oh baby, I love you so much, I’d die without you.” *Insert deep meaning poetry and romantic numbers*. Melodramatic love and shit. Like I mentioned before, ‘m a loner. I’m always left alone. So slitting the wrist, dying for louve isn’t in the scene. crin lyk nethn. Forever alone.
Life’s tough, even if you don’t sound like Farhan Akhtar, you know like Radio Mirchi heard at 98.1 FM. Keeping a plan ready is always beneficial.